Patriotic Processed Pork with Happy Ending Sauce

The Not-So-Sloppy Swine Sandwich

Prep Time: All ‘Effin Night


  • A dozen Hard Rolls
  • One Pork Loin (3-4 lbs)
  • Molasses
  • Honey
  • Mispronouncable Sauce
  • Dijon Mustard
  • Tarragon Vinegar
  • Red Wine
  • Bacon Grease
  • Fresh Vegetables/Spices/Etc:
    • Two medium Yellow Onions
    • One bulb Garlic. And I don’t mean a clove; I mean a BULB. Two bulbs if you are Italian.
    • One branch of Ginger
    • One stalk of Lotus Root
    • Three Capers
    • One bunch of Cilantro
    • One [insert variable unit of measurement here] of Tomatoes. I don’t know how to say it exactly, tomatoes being a controversial subject around the globe. Shoot for about two pounds of the reddest tomatoes you can find without going for those ridiculous heirloom tomatoes that cost like five bucks a pound or whatever. I gotta say…I am curious though.
    • One leaf Secret Ingredient 0
    • One Plumb
  • Dry spices:
    • Mace
    • Coriander
    • Black Pepper
    • Tobacco Leaf (Cuban preferred)
    • Alderwood Smoked Sea Salt
    • Cyprus Flaked Sea Salt
    • Iodized Salt (prevents goiter)
    • Renaissance Gardens Seasoning, available at Savory Spice in Santa Fe, a delightful blend of dried vegetables and spices that will introduce those flavors to even the pickiest of palates.
  • Extracts:
    • Hazelnut
    • Ginseng
    • Ginkgo Biloba
    • Lavender
    • Velociraptor (if available)


Using both local and foreign ingredients will both delight and perplex.

Pork Preparation

Place atop the rack of a baking pan one of the onions, sliced into wedges. This placement will both create a pleasant roasting aroma and soak up the pork drippings. Slice the pork loin six times lengthwise making seven strips of pork still connecting at the bottom. It should like an American flag, with red stripes of pork and white stripes of blank spaces between the slices. Brush with bacon grease, black pepper, and iodized salt, after you’ve placed it in the roasting pan atop the onion slices.

Reserve pig blood from cutting board for later use.

Roast pork atop onions at 440°F for about
27 minutes, until the pork is seared. Then slowly roast at 240°F for about two hours or so, while you are getting the sauce ready and going about your routine, typing, wandering around the back yard, looking at the stars, contemplating the cinderblock walls that separate us from our neighbors.

Occasionally, open the oven just to get a stronger whiff of the onions and pork that have been wafting through the house.

Happy Ending Sauce, Cold Phase

Lay the other ingredients out on the counter, and imagine them being whirled into a mystical vortex, as if by a wizard casting a spell.

Pour pig blood into skillet over low flame.

Prepare the Fresh Vegetables/Spices/Etc. Begin with the garlic. Recall that the secret to peeling garlic is knowing deep down that the effort is worth it, and in that recollection know that you are part a sacred order, the order of garlic, in that you know this secret, and thereby you will wish that you could do nothing else ever again but peel garlic. Then recall the great deeds of those who have peeled garlic before you, toss the penultimate clove into your mouth and eat it to clear your palate, and move on to the other vegetables, which will be easy by comparison. You don’t need to peel the tomatoes. I think that is silly. Wait a second. What’s going on with that pig blood? Hmmmm. Interesting. Maybe fry it up a bit and set that aside. Get it nice and brown now. Mmm. That will taste like little pieces of fried pig fat. Mmm. Set it on a plate over there, and back to the veggies. I’m confused by this lotus root. End with the onion. Just chop it right in half with a cleaver then rip of the outer layer. Cry and blame the onion.

Then just throw all that good stuff in the food processor. Zap it real good until it looks like goop. If you haven’t got a food processor, use a blender. If you haven’t got a blender, God Bless You!

Putting the Pork on Ice

Turn off the oven.

Place Pork Loin on plate.

Place in Freezer.

Happy Ending Sauce, Hot Phase

The onions in the pan, roasted, covered in pork drippings are now before you; throw one in your mouth for power. Onions are amazing. If you have never eaten a raw onion, I highly recommend it. They are fantastic roasted, grilled, sautéed, and deep fried. Eat a few more. Go ahead. Anyway, put the onions in with the plum for the last run of the food processor. Yum yum. Plum and onion.

Dump all your processed food into the skillet over a medium heat.

Behold, the birth of Barbeque Sauce!

Processed food is the best.

Now, as you proceed, you will eat a full serving of vegetables while you test the flavors, and search for the perfect ratios. Always contemplate Fibonacci while you cook. Stir. A dash of something. A little taste. Far as I remember it was about:

  • 1 cup Tarragon Vinnegar
  • ½ cup Red Wine
  • 2 tbsp Unpronouncable Sauce (remove the blip-blip tip for easy pour!)
  • 1 tbsp Dijon Mustard


All tossed in while stirring, keeping it at a low simmer.

Flame off. Then, when the simmer dies down, start stirring in the sweet stuff:

  • 4 tbsp Molases
  • 2 tbsp Honey
  • A few drops each of the various extracts


Proceed to perfect the chosen flavors until you are sure you would be content to eat a bowl of it like soup.

Butcher the Frozen Loin of Pork

Ancestral Chefs scoff at me for this strange step, having themselves ripped pig meat directly from living bone then pulled it into little bits, drenching themselves in pig blood in the process. But you will see, this recipe is all about using all the pig blood wisely!

Slice the pork, which should be stiff but not rock hard, across the width, so slices of pork fall like little fingers. And there is hardly any mess at all because the juices are all frozen inside. Then just toss the in the food processor, and they chop up easily. If you do that unfrozen, you end up with something to mushy. The processed pork should be little pericubic shapes.

Like Spam? Process your own pork!

Then place the pork in some sort of pan. I prefer Pyrex. Pour that sweet and spicy cilantrific sauce over the pork, and stir it around. Think of all those little bits of goodness, blended together around the pork. Lotus and plum, ginger and garlic, tomato and onion. Then bake at 365°F until a bit of the sauce drips over the pan’s edge, seasoning the bottom of the oven. Reduce heat until 210°F and let it sit like that forever if you can, but at least an hour. And you might as well make some crispy rice treats while you got the oven hot. Melt some marshmallows in some butter. Stir in some crispy rice and let it cool. Yum. Yum yum.

Finishing Touches

The pan will be hot when you take it out, so wear welding gloves. Potholders work worse. Scoop out the slop with a stout spatula or a flimsy one if you want it to take longer, into five microwave-safe dishes with lids. I prefer Pyrex. Refrigerate.

These pyrexed portions can be microwaved to your desired temperature and served in a hard roll. Then devour that hot juicy pork sammich like a black Yosemite wolf gulping down a bloody elk.

Remainder in pan is best eaten with bare hands when no one is looking.

Dogfood tastes as good as it smells: delicious.” — Tyrone Biggums

Southwest Option

Aka El Sucio Puerco Americano

Same as above except substitute tortillas for hard rolls and add green chile.



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